"unified field theory of pain"
Really, there should be such a thing. This came up as I was reading the lovely Academic Cog's discussion of the notion of "the law of conservation of sleep." This is similar to a theory I have long had about pain and avoirdupois, that when one person sheds some, others gain it.
As I pondered on this I drank six beers (thus losing pain and gaining weight, all of which fits in neatly). At this point a breakthrough occurred - I realized that pain is above mere laws and must needs be theory. Suck it, Einstein!
So I looked it up.
And it didn't exist.
Google does not yet define the world.
I am, however, scared to note that the phrase "unified theory of pain" does have 2090 references as of this post. That's a band name, not a subject for study.
What the hell is wrong with you people?