Friday, September 29, 2006

Holy Cow.. it's like they know me!

You Are Bud Light

You're not fussy when it comes to beer. If someone hands it to you, you'll drink it.

In fact, you don't understand beer snobbery at all. It all tastes the same once you're drunk!

You're an enthusiastic drinker, and you can often be found at your neighborhood bar.

You're pretty good at holding your liquor too - you've had lots of experience.

Monday, September 11, 2006

The Worst Photoshop Evar?

Or it's the most inspirational story ever, cause that poor Spiderman-looking Black dude has overcome the tragic lack of an elbow to play for the Fighting Irish. And Tom Zbikowski has a sort of glow about him.

Perhaps this is a team of destiny?

or ESPN is full of shit?

The original pic and article is here.

And below you will see what it looked like, cropped, on the front page and even more tragically obvious. I mean, this is Notre Dame, don't they have stock photos of the defense or something. It's not like it's Stanford, Duke, Penn State, or some other traditional doormat.

Someone should be getting a memo from Bristol about this one. ;-)

Tuesday, September 05, 2006


The Crazy BAG insists that I link this lovely combination of everything good and noble in life...

Yep, disco and Nazis!

Monday, September 04, 2006

A Note for My Girlfriend

'When a woman reaches orgasm with a man she is only collaborating with the patriarchal system, eroticising her own oppression'
Sheila Jeffreys

More of her brilliant thoughts here...

The Liberal Agenda

Still a classic (from way back, hence, "classic")

8:00 – Wake up. Hug tree.

8:10 – Quick breakfast of granola w/ banana and unborn fetuses, stem cells on toast.

8:20 – Get dressed in hemp suit.

8:30 – Worship false idols.

8:45 - Drive to methadone clicnic in hybrid (30% electric, 70% Bible furnace) car .

8:50 – Receive methadone. Sell for pot.

9:00 - Trade half of the pot for unprotected sex with Catholic High School Girl.

10:00 – Light reading: Anarchist's Cookbook, Koran, other books not The Bible.

10:10 – Drown puppies on way to welfare office.

10:20 – Pickup welfare check.

10:30 – Cash check.

10:35 – Buy more pot.

10:50 - Burn flag.

11:30 – Miscellaneous Sodomy.

12:00 – Light lunch of sushi and stem cell pie, plus cappuccino, at upscale coffee shop.

12:30 – Stop at nearest cemetery to urinate on veterans' graves.

1:30 – Miscellaneous coveting.

3:00 – Steal babies, throw them from bridge.

3:30 – Bomb a church.

4:00 – Meeting with Jews for instructions on what news stories to run today.

5:00 – Formal dinner/fundraiser of virgin Christian sacrifice. Guest speakers Michael Moore, Al Franken, Satan, and Bizarro Ann Coulter.

6:30 – Smoke cigars lit by a burning pictures of Jesus

6:45 – Infiltrate the school system to attract impressionable young student to the homosexual lifestyle.

7:00 – Take the Lord's name in vain.

7:10 – Smoke pot.

7:15 – Giggle for about twenty minutes.

7:35 – Order pizza with extra cheese and stem cells.

8:00 – Pay pizza man in food stamps.

8:30 – Watch Real Time with Bill Maher.

9:30 – Bedtime snack of nachos with goat-cheese and habanero peppers. No stem cells, watching weight.

10:00 – Dishonor mother and father.

10:30 – Early bedtime, need rest for tomorrow's All-Day Sodomy Fest.

Sunday, September 03, 2006


Over at Reassigned Time the hostess is talking about how insidious isolation is and how endemic it is to academia.
See, this is the thing: this profession is pretty universally isolating. In part, we have to isolate ourselves in order to do our jobs. Grading is not social. Research is not social. Service commitments infringe on our weekends and evenings.
First off, that's a pity party. Get out more.

Second, academia allows more contact with people than most jobs do (work in an office? Same people every day till you die). You have a steady stream of students and adjuncts passing through, you have summers off if you want them, you have free access to the lovely intarwebs. Get a grip.

Third, isn't that what the liquor is for? To make the isolation endurable, even lovely? And to ensure that it will continue? ;-)

Off to the bar!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Phrases I like to try to work into conversation.

One thing the web has made painfully clear, is that nothing has EVAR been thought of by just one person (Well, "muslim fuck buddy" comes pretty close). You think of something, then google it and see just how unoriginal you are. I've had a couple of idea I thought were pretty damned clever and then had a web-search incinerate them. One was the "What Would Judas Do" (WWJD? Get it? Get it??!?) line of wristbands and T-shirts; another was the "Conservation of Misery" theory. Both turned out to have been "thought of" by at least 100 other "wits" and in one case each, by a wit who then sold the shit on Cafe Press.

I'm not into originality anymore.

It's been done.

But there are some things I've heard that I really do like to work into conversation.

Here's a short list:

"I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel." (Black Adder)

"All animals are equal but some are more equal than others" (Orwell)

"If pigs had wings they'd look pretty stupid" (Pedro Picasso)

"If two wrongs don't make a right, three might" (Pedro again)

"Alright, let's start with the basics. English is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from dialects of...." (Black Adder)

"One day at a time? What kind of a plan is that?" (P.P.)

"Yes, it is normal for one to hang a bit lower than the other" (Trad.)


"Well roger me silly!"

So who wants to talk?

I have no idea what this means, buddy.

So I'm poking around over at Reason and they're talking about "Muslim Fuck Buddies" and it occurs to me that this might be the least likely phrase one would find on the Craigslist personals section. So, just for the hell of it, I consulted the world's foremost expert on phrase usage.

Right. I googled it.

Figuring that Muslims are probably not really into multiple sex partners (til after they blow themselves up), I turned it singular and searched for a "f*ck buddy" of various religions and came up with following results (which kept me from doing any school work):

"Jewish F*ck buddy" 7 Instances

"Christian F*ck buddy" 2 Instances

"Wiccan F*ck buddy" came in with an unexpected and dissapointing one instance. I guess no one does want to f*ck a pale fat chick wearing too much mascara.

"Muslim F*ck buddy" Zero instances

"Buddhist F*ck buddy" Zero instances

"Zen F*ck buddy" Zero instances

It gave me a slight sense of why these super-religious folks are so fucked up. At least until "atheist" and "agnostic" also turned up no matches.

Maybe if you're looking for a fuck buddy you're not really gonna be all that picky?