Retard Nation

This week was special in the sense that the short school bus is special.....

First, it appears I will be a TV star, an unfortunate thing for a man with a face and body made for radio, but a voice made working at the deaf camp. I got a call from Arirang and they want me to be one of 20 foreigners who travel to "unknown" Korea and experience it, from the tigers in the swamps, to the natives - bones in noses, slathered in alarming slashes of white paint and little else - skulking away from the campfire whilst sharpening their pointy sticks.

It is a vision to drive any civilized man to a quart of gin and a cultured racism. ;-)

When I got the call, however, it alarmed me.. because..

Korean winters are quite dry, and as a sensitive blossom, my face gets a bit chapped (and that is all my chapped bits that I am willing to discuss at this moment). So I put lotion on it. In fact, I put mineral oil on it, and then slather on some lotion.

It works.

Except the night before Arirang called, Yvonne hid the normal lotion. I looked about a bit dispiritedly, but could not find it. Fortunately, kind as Yvonne is, she had left a different bottle of lotion in its place. So I slathered up and went into our office to write a bit of this, slightly more of that, and an appalling amount of the other.

About 30 minutes later I felt some stinging on my face, "aha, it's working!" I opined to myself. And went to sleep, a great sodden and drunken mass.

Next morning.. I get up and I have three great triangles of red skin on my face. And inverted triangle whose narrow point is between my eyebrows, and which expands as it goes up my forehead.

Similarly, beneath each eye, a triangle of ugly, chapped red.

So.. when Arirang called I was worried they wanted some last minute interview... thankfully they didn't.

I got home and asked Yvonne where she had put the lotion I liked. Turns out it was in the living room, a bit obscured by drying laundry.

I told her about my trauma and how I hated the second kind of lotion.

She looked at me, head a bit aslant, "what other lotion?"

I said, "the lotion in the bathroom," and went in and got it to show her.

Shampoo.

Not lotion...

Fark me with petrochemical cancer causers.

It turned out well, I guess, because Yvonne is still in stitches I did this dumb thing...

And I've always really wanted to put her in stitches..

I suck that way...

;-)