Monday, August 10, 2009

Letter of Application

Dear Hussein Obama,

I write this letter to express my interest in a position on one of the “Death Panels” that your proposed health-care program will institute. As a long-term employee of the Democratic National Committee I am acutely aware of the fact that many so-called “citizens” of the United States would do themselves, and our great country, a favor by going away (I am thinking, particularly, of free-market economists, AIG executives, anyone associate with Goldman Sachs, successful small businessmen fighting the taxman, and the three home-schooled girls in America who didn’t get pregnant in their first semester of community college!). As these selfish conservatives, many of them drug addicts, liars, and/or perverts who use falafels to satisfy their bizarre sexual urges (and that’s just O’Reilly and Rush), will not kill themselves, I believe it is necessary for the government to kill them.

And it will save money.

Toss in a handful of religious figures and we will also lower the child-molestation rate in this fine country.

My fiancee, although not a man (I am ashamed to admit I am not gay) is a fan of WWII literature and particularly that focusing on the holocaust, and I think that her study of Germany's WWII liberal, permissive, socialist, and pot-smoking regime will be of use to me should I attain a position on the Death Panel.

Although I am white and aging myself, I am no fan of the elderly, crippled, or Republicans. I think it is this overall attitude that makes me entirely suited to be on one of the Death Panels. Every pet I have ever had has died. Not all as young as I might have hoped, but I think in all cases it is fair to say that I hastened their demise. Also, my father died when I was thirteen. I am humiliated to admit that my mother seems likely to live to age 100, but if I am appointed to one of your death squads I will be certain to ensure that she is one of the first to stand, then slump, then collapse, before the bullet-pocked brick wall which represents victory!


Charles Montgomery
Cold Blooded Killer and Fan of Universal Health Care

PS: Dear Hussein, please support my linkwhoring by clicking over to my other blog, which is currently in some kind of Korean (South!) contest.


Anonymous said...

Fix health care and I will be a willing volunteer. And if you believe that....

Anonymous said...

what's so funny 'bout peace love and euthenasia?

Charles Montgomery said...

As I walk through..


GregM said...

Linked via a comment on kos. Dear Barack HUSSEIN Obama, I would like to wholeheartedly endorse Mr. Montgomery's application; Chris--please recommend me for the forced gay Muslim abortion panel. I'm totally down with forced gay muslim abortions.