Monday, July 13, 2009

LOCATZ at me..

Sorting through my HD trying to figure out what I can delete in order to have more space for "horse on man" porno, I find this lovely draft of an email I might have or might not have sent.

With details of potential... "target?" .... "recipient?" .. blurred out, I give you the Methuselah Stick.

I am, in fact old. And I am reliably informed by a 52 year old that the next few years will be even worse as the slide down the razor blade of life continues. As the 52 year old is completely white-haired (a fate I will escape only insomuch as I continue to bald at an appalling rate), thoroughly round, and florid, I trust him.

Some simple mathematics might help.

The negative effects of age are asymptotic to extinction as you approach about 120 years of age, with some bad stuff before verticality. You will recall that an asymptote of a real-valued function y = f(x) is a curve which describes the behavior of f as either x or y tends to infinity. In this case, the negative effects are the value that reaches to infinity, as age clearly cannot do so. In fact, had I more time (and were I able to post pics in here) I’d describe the relationship as an oblique asymptote as that would better allow description of some of the cool things that happen in the first 21 years of life.

Alas Blogger, like loan-agents and women, denies me.

If we prefer to be more creative, we can look to literature.

Alexander Pope once noted, in Volume 27 of his 52 volume work, Denunciad: Short Musings on Brevity

The Methuselah stick, hits hard and quick
The Mortal man to chasten
The young and bold, are rendered old
As to their end they hasten

And then at age 56, as if to prove his own point, Pope shuffled off this mortal coil.

In science we can look to macroscopic entropy; in art to Goya’s Chronos; in philosophy to Ed Gein; and in music to the relief-map of Mars that is Keith Richard’s face. But they all say the same thing.

I’m old; nearly as old as dirt.

Fortunately, I suppose, I am not too far from a slight balm for all this. Thailand, with its cheap and excellent plastic surgeons, cheap and excellent Jack and Cokes, and cheap and excellent ladyboys, is merely a plane flight away. No solutions are permanent, but at my age, I’ll take what I can get!

Gotta scoot... I have a ticket-agent to engage..


Anonymous said...

geez, thanks for the uplifting blog item as I start the first day of my 76th year!
lots of champagne helped with getting over the actual day, however.
love and miss you.

Anonymous said...

blah blah frickin' blah.

Make sure you live long enough for me to come visit--November 23-December 2 I believe. Thanksgiving and B-day!!!